My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
rapatouille
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.