Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I love the honesty
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.