“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
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Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Choose your fighter
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up