me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
You Might Also Like
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before