me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Straight people are cancelled
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”