Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
🤣🤣💀
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
still the best tweet of the year by far
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now