the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Alexa: *deep breath*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.