Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You Might Also Like
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day