GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”