ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.