Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
You Might Also Like
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*