Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.