Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs