I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?