All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I am yelling
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”