No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
They also CAN sing✌️
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner