So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Employees must applaud the planets.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Do one person every day that scares you.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂