“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*