Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Fight
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.