[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.