My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You Might Also Like
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I love twitter
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
What
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur