You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
house sitting!