Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
#Caturday
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same