me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools