When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I didn’t realize that was an option
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.