My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
PLOT TWIST:
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
selfie game
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent