When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Dead
Alive
Other✔
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster