me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.