[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
This is me
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.