Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying