Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now