My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
You Might Also Like
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
congratulations to them
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*