the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?