Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants