My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Chicken bread
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist