My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
no cat here
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?