Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
OMG 🤣🤣
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”