There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
accurate
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Seems a bit forward
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?