ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Great Canadian literature.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.