You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.