Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You Might Also Like
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”