my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: