Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.