1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Worth the read.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”