Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
This story is comedy gold 😂
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself