I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
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I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.