Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Love this one 😂🧟
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”