Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.