Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
my dad has had enough
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*