A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
You Might Also Like
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.